Forty Love Nana

Almost the entire night I was thinking and evaluating why we do for others, what exactly are we giving, what do we expect to receive and are we satisfied with what we receive?  I know there have been many times in my life when I felt I was giving to uplift someone else and felt defeated or frustrated when the person to whom I had targeted as “needy” did not respond to my “gift” in the way I expected.  Sounds like a spider – attaching tiny, silky threads to the gift object.  So really was I just doing for myself?  What is a gift?  If we keep records or keep track of what we have done for others are we really giving?  No conclusion but many thoughts, anyone else out there pondering such thoughts?  Is it important to us to please others?  Is it important to us to please self?  So for now – why do we give and what are we expecting in return?

I am striving to get rid of the excessive amount of “stuff” I have collected and pray that someone out there will find something to be their treasure.  I am listening to a healing CD for Breast Cancer survivors and their families called “More Beautiful.”  The CD is composed by Music for the Soul, a non-profit organization.  The Mission Statement for Music for the Soul states:  Changing lives through the healing power of songs and spoken words that resonate with human experience adn reflect the redemptive love of Jesus.  Sometimes I think there are many events in my life that have passed for which I have never mourned.  Perchance the removal of excessive stuff from my home will inspire removal of excessive stuff from my heart and soul.  It seems the surge of such is like the high tide and low tide of the sea.  Interchanging with the goodness and blessings of the high tide comes the revelation left at low tide fo the good and bad swept to the surface, resting on the sandy beach of my heart.  Sometimes the sparkle is just trash in disguise, other times what appears to be trash is a wonderful discovery that reminds me not to be too judgemental about outward appearances.  I have to remind myself that disguise is so real in most everyone’s life and that what we actually see of  a person is seldom who they are.  Mardi gras is approaching which makes me think of the many masks most everyone wears.  Daily they may change, even hourly, depending on who is in the room or on the phone, who we do not want to disappoint or whose approval we may seek.  Random thoughts collected on a page, released from within hopefully will inspire not depress any whose eyes may fall upon them.

As I have mentioned, I am creating a collection of my favorite poems, prayers, tidbits of information here and there some from others, some from me.  Several months ago I was making had lettered signs and cards and looking for sayings, etc. that appealed to me or reminded me of others and I also asked friends and family to send me their favorites from cute to crazy, zany to inspirational.  These signs were spawned by a bazaar that 2 of my friends and I were hosting to offer for sale hand created items.  The weekend was approaching for this special event and I was searching for something special to go on this painted background – an abstract white and teal, when I discovered “The singing bird.”  An ancient Chinese Proverb which instantly touched me, however, the accompanying poem written by Ms. Patricia B Clark was so moving to my heart.  A very dear person to my life gave me 

Womens Uncommon Prayers                             Our Lives Revealed, Nurtured, Celebrated

a wonderful book which I read and study quite often and am amazed to find, time and again, a writing that just seems to fly off the page and reveal itself to me.  Such is “The Singing Bird.”  The road of our life takes many turns which lead us to places we never imagined.  Curious about the saying I googled “The Singing Bird” and discovered Oriah.  http://www.oriah.org/  From one blessing to another we move in our lives, some are shrouded in the mystery of misery and hurt, others revealed to us like a streak of sunlight through the clouds and occasionally the ones that just smack us right in the face, the heart, the soul.  Our computers give us word counters for blog sites, posts – where are our blessing counters?

What if I put a link in my blog???  www.facebookcom does that automatically link the two sites or do I have to use some link symbol??  Query = investigate…..

My mind is filled with mumbo jumbo tonight.  No constructive connections, no great ideas, muddled like a train wreck.   I want to be a servant, a helper.  Am I motivated?  Nope, I am not.  I want my house to be clean, neat and free of clutter.  Am I working to make that happen?  Nope.  Just mumbo jumbo – perhaps tomorrow will be a new beginning, a fresh new day with a clear head and a motivated heart.

I have just got to say that one of the greatest inspirations in my life is my daughter.  She encourages me so much and has re-introduced me to essential oils.  I have a gift that I do not or have not used much in my life and that has to do with healing.   Fear is my biggest enemy in this – fear of other’s opinions, rejection and failure but the biggest feat I have has to do with allowing God to use me as an instrument in the healing process.  There is so much involved in total healing.  Thanks you, Kelly, for helping me to come out of my shell and thank you, God, for using me.

It is the unsung song that is never heard, the unspoken thought that never generates reaction.  We must use our one voice, our one mind and heart to take some action to protect our earth.  One person can be aware and act on that awareness.  One person can remind another of our responsibility to protect our resources and keep the future alive.  It is our duty to be stewards of what we have been so graciously given  and to take steps to improve, repair and show genuine love and affections for all our gracious gifts.  Take your first step.  Baby steps become great strides.  From the inside to the outside, reveal the light and enlighten, share, reach out, don’t be afraid to act as one person.  Do your part to insure our future generations of a vital future with beauty, grace and a connectedness from the soul.

Tonight we had choir practice at one of the churches where I play the piano and am sorta kinda their choir director/leader as well.  Since the weather is wet and chilly it suits me that the practice was tonight leaving the rest of the week free of night time obligations.  Small church with just a few in the choir but they are awesome, learn quickly and love to sing.  Most of the songs we select for our Sunday morning specials  seem to touch hearts and bring smiles to our members.  Tonight we practiced  “Child of the King” – a great song that we will use as the special for this upcoming Sunday. 

Have learned 3 guitar chords so am making small baby steps of progress in that direction.  Played a tennis match today and lost quite soundly – don’t like playing on Sunday – too distracted and cannot get my head in the game. 

Had a wonderful conversation with my oldest grandchild – quite giggly but oh so fun.  We were discussing how you sorta watch a football game – had fun with that.

Am really tired tonight so thought processes are slow – perhaps tomorrow I can be more vocal.

I have been pondering disappointment today.  From many angles not so much from being but from creating or being the source of more than anything. We are works in progress and some days are better than others.  Without full knowledge we cannot understand and who ever has full knowledge?  I can no more know what is another’s heart, mind and soul any more than they can mine.  Sometimes that may be where most of the disappointment begins.  In our hearts we may be taking what we have thought about and assemble as being the best route without communicating that to anyone else so it would be understandable that others would have no idea what intent was there.  For so long I have kept most of my thoughts to myself.  Who wants to burden anyone else with the matters of their heart that they cannot even understand?  Are disappointment and regret the same emotion?   I think not but the two do seem to see-saw with each other. 

I had hoped that blogging would be a good place for me to express my thougths.  I will continue to hope and continue to blog dual purposes may be achieved, I may learn to communicate better, disappoint less by sharing more – who knows – only by making the effort will any of us ever know.

Last night I was blessed to stay with Jackson while Charlie and Liz went to Lindsey’s rehearsal dinner.  It is hard not to compare children, grandchildren, etc because they all have similarities but differences – having said that Jackson was stacking his Mickey Mouse books last night – when they would fall he would say, “Oh no, Mickey Mouse!”  When Macey was little and would get quite I would say, “Macey, where are you?” and she would say “Stacking books!”  Later I put Jackson to bed and listen to him fuss and call out to Na for about an hour then I finally went upstairs and there he stood in his bed with all his blankets in the floor, no socks on his feet and his pajama shirt neck down around his waste – after fixing all that I held him in my lap to put his socks on and asked him if he wanted to get in his bed “No” so I said lay your head on Nana and go to sleep.  He laid his little head on my chest and when almost asleep he would sit up, after several “do you want to get in your bed” and “no” rounds he finally laid his little head on me and let me rock him to sleep.  There is nothing any dearer to me in my life than my grandchildren.  Their love comes from and open heart that has not yet been tainted by disappointments, failures, hurts and so many other criteria. 

I am working on my book – a collection of my favorite poems, sayings, tid-bits of information, some sketches and my personal thoughts.  Thought it would be good to keep something similar to a journal but not quite, am not yet ready to release all that is bottled up in me to that extent but perhaps through blogging and my book I will learn.